


Shh, I've Got You

by TheVerdantSword



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attack, Slow Burn, Spoiler warnings, set after season 8, sweet as HECK, using alcohol as a coping method
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:38:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVerdantSword/pseuds/TheVerdantSword
Summary: Dean didn't really work it out until now. Cas takes away his nightmares but now that Cas is human, he can't really do that.





	1. Please Stay

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a little while ago but I had to copy and paste it a few times so it ended up being choppy with bits repeated and missing so here it is, hopefully better than last time. <3 Enjoy your day/night. (make sure you read the tags for trigger warnings, I will add more as I write)

       Dean's never really had a lot of nightmares - but that doesn't mean he is never haunted by all the horrible shit he's seen. At first he never really made the connection. But the times when his nightmares were the most haunting, to the point where he was screaming out and convulsing in his bed... Those were the times when Cas was for all intents and  purposes -  dead. Thus, Dean has managed to come to this conclusion: Cas was taking them away somehow. Dean wants to ask why they've come back, he really does but he knows the answer all too well. Cas is human now, after all the shit with Metatron and the gates of heaven.

       Dean stares at the glass in front of him, watching the shape of the glass swirl and change, spinning with the rest of the world as he pretends he isn't fuck ass drunk because he's afraid to close his eyes. He thinks it's past three, he can't exactly be sure but he wants to curl up and be warm. And feel  _safe_. Not afraid of what might be coming at him if he so much as closed his eyes. Not that that makes a difference anymore. Monsters still come at Dean even when he has his eyes open.

       He sighs, knowing his body will thank him later if he manages to get himself up into bed. He drags himself up to his feet, sways a little and squints at the glass when he realises it's still in his hand. There's not much left in the glass (Dean can't actually really tell, sue him) so he knocks it all back without a pause for thought. He then slowly turns around so he doesn't fall over. The last thing he wants to do is wake up anyone else in the bunker. He's just about to get to the stairs when he hears movement. He flattens himself against the wall before he remembers that nothing is supposed to be able to get in here. He stays there anyways, knowing that if he startles Sammy, he won't be able to block the fist that will come flying in his direction.

       But it's not Sammy who comes around the corner. Not even Kevin. It's a sleep tousled Cas, head cocked in confusion.

       "Oh, he' ey Cas." he tries to say casually, the hiccup half way not doing anything in his favour.

       "Hello Dean." Cas squints at him, "Why aren't you in bed? And you smell like alcoholic spirits."

       "Whi... whiskey, actuaclly." Dean slurs, his whole world going sideways. Cas catches him before he can fall, grunting under Dean's limp, heavy frame. "You're drunk." Cas grunts, trying to shift Dean up. Dean just nuzzles into Cas' neck.

       "You smell nice, man." Cas snorts. "I haven't showered in two days, Dean, I doubt I smell very pleasant at all."

       "Y'stll smell grrt." Dean's eyes are drooping and before he can think better of it, he wraps his arms around Cas and leans his weight against Cas' shoulder. Cas staggers, still not used to having the strengths of a human. "Dean. Dean, I can't hold you up." Cas is half gasping, half grunting, trying to find any way to keep Dean up so he doesn't slither to the floor.

       "Dean."

       "Mhm?" Dean's head lolls back and he grins up at Cas' disgruntled face. Dean can't help thinking that the guy looks absofuckinlutely adorable with all his sleep hair and confused, disgruntled face. Dean tries to lift a hand up to maybe touch Cas' hair but finds that trying to lift his arm is like trying to lift the Impala with one hand.

       "Dean, I'm going to try and take you to bed." Dean jerks as he tries to remember why he didn't like the bed. His face scrunches up in effort of trying to remember why he doesn't want to go to sleep.

       "Dean, do you hear me?" Dean suddenly remembers why he's this drunk and his whole body tenses up.

       "Can't go t'bed, Cas. I don wan' -" Cas' face seems to crumple a little before he tries to haul Dean upright again.  "Nigh'maresh, Cash. I can't -" Dean suddenly has a huge lump in his throat and he struggles to breathe. He clings to Cas like a child afraid of falling and Cas grunts again under the weight but this time, he's worked out he needs to widen his stance and  brace his legs to keep Dean up. "I can't - Cas - " Dean starts to hyperventilate, a crushing weight suddenly perching right on his chest.

       "Shit." He huffs, staring at the floor, trying to get some air, any air into his lungs. His head feels like it might explode - and suddenly Cas' face is there, his eyes wide and staring into Dean's. Dean can't quite hear what he's saying but his face is somewhat calming. His eyes are such a sweet, deep blue and Dean finds himself breathing slightly easier.

       "... on, that's it, Dean, breathe. There you go. Just look at me." Dean lifts his bleary eyes up to Cas' again because somehow, they'd dropped to the floor. "Breathe with me. In... out... in... out... that's it, Dean. Come back to me." As Dean breathes with Cas, he finds it easier to breathe and his head doesn't feel like it's going to explode as much. He becomes aware of Cas' hands cradling his face. He leans into one of Cas' palms, feeling safer than he has in a while. Cas cups Dean's face with one hand while he drags his fingers through Dean's hair with the other. Dean shudders and his eyes roll back into his head.

       "Dean?" With a Herculean effort, Dean opens his eyes, trying to show he's listening. Somehow, he's drained of energy and all he wants to do is lay down, right here even. "Are you okay now?" He nods, instantly regretting it as his head is turned upside down again.

       "Okay, I'm going to get you to bed." Cas says, again, his voice raw with emotion. He's seen Dean like this before but that was when he could do something about it. He hated to see Dean hurt and it was all Cas' fault that he was hurting now. He is useless. He still struggles feeling welcome and like he belongs in the home of the Winchesters. Cas manages to get Dean shuffling towards the stairs. It was going to take a long while to get Dean up those. Cas sighs, shoving his emotions down and focusing on the task at hand.

       It takes a while but Cas gets Dean up the stairs, both of them panting and leaning on the doorway to Dean's room. Or more, Dean is leaning on Cas for support as Cas catches his breath. Cas pulls Dean some-what upright again and sets him down in the chair that was once set there for Cas 'to feel comfortable' while he watched over Dean. Back when he didn't need something like sleep. Dean slumps in his seat, mumbling something Cas doesn't catch. Cas pulls back the rumpled covers of Dean's bed into something more comfortable. He turns back to Dean when he's finished, crouching down to clutch both of Dean's hands.

       "I'm going to get you some water, Dean." Dean must have drunk more than Cas originally thought because Dean is struggling to focus on Cas. "Dean, did you hear?" He asks, struggling to keep his emotions in check. He hates seeing Dean like this. It scared him back when he had powers and it scares him even more now that he can't do anything about it.

       "Uh-huh." Is the most Dean can manage. With that, Cas turns around and quickly goes back down to the kitchen to get Dean a pitcher of cold water. He climbs the stairs as fast as he can without spilling the water. He's about half-way up when he realises that his hands are shaking violently. He only realises because the pitcher nearly slips from his grasp. He takes a deep breath, calming himself down before he walks back into Dean's room. He breaths a sigh of relief as he sees Dean's still where he left him, despite having a white-knuckled grip on the chair. Cas sets the cup down and shakily pours a glass of water for Dean. He brings it over to Dean, not sure Dean will be able to manage drinking it by himself.

       "Dean?" He kneels in front of Dean with the glass. Dean looks up at Cas with glassy eyes. "Can you drink this for me?" Dean nods and takes the glass from Cas, his grip just as shaky as Cas'. Cas sits with Dean as he slowly drinks the water. They say nothing except "Thanks," and "You're welcome, Dean." when Cas goes to refill the glass. As Dean finishes the third glass of water, he gets up on shaky legs and reaches for Cas. Cas is there, gently lifting Dean's arm so he can slip his arm around Dean's waist. Cas helps Dean sit on his bed and gently lays him down. Cas is about to stand up again but Dean grips Cas' shirt. Cas grunts, surprised at the unexpected resistance, his hands planted both sides of Dean's head to prevent himself from falling on Dean. Dean looks up at Cas like he hung the moon while simultaneously fighting off drowsiness and it's almost too much for Cas.

       "Pl - please sht - stay, Cas." Cas' heart melts at Dean's sleepy, childlike eyes looking up at him, pleading. Cas never had the chance. Dean points at him with his free hand that isn't fisted in his shirt. "Oo... mek all nigh'..." Dean's eyes droop and he jerks to try and keep them up. "Nigh'mares go 'way." Cas' heart lurches again and he feels a lump forming in his throat. He would be concerned about having a lump in his throat if this was his first time crying. Unfortunately, it was not. He hasn't been able to take Dean's (or Sam's) nightmares away for a long time.

       "Okay, Dean. I'll stay." Dean smiles, faintly. Cas crawls over Dean to the other side of the bed and he's barely settled before Dean burrows into him like he's trying to get into his skin. Cas finds himself curling around Dean, protectively. He cards his fingers through Dean's hair again and Dean sighs.

       "I'm so sorry, Dean." He chokes, feeling tears brimming, not sure what to do with the new blooming emotion, clawing through his chest.

       "S'no' yer faul'" Dean whispers, stroking a hand up his back. Cas continues to stroke Dean's hair and Cas discovers that he loves it. He leans into it like a big cat, making Cas smile a watery smile.

        "Thanks, Cas." Dean sighs, "F'ev'rything." Cas' heart lurches again and he ignores the foreign feeling, anchoring itself down in Cas' heart.

        "Anything for you, Sam and Kevin." He murmurs into Dean's hair.

       Dean falls asleep soon after that exchange. Cas stays awake, still stroking Dean's hair. And for the first time in months, Dean sleeps without all the monsters that plague his dreams.

-+-


	2. The Ache Of Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of Dean's Big Gay Freak Out (But not really as there's more to it than that). We see a little bit of what Cas is going through, in regards of his status as a Fallen angel and not only a Fallen angel but the one who caused it all in his eyes and his brothers and sisters eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise that Gadreel was in Sam at this point, but I've left him out for a reason. warnings for using alcohol as a coping method, breakdowns and general bad headspace in this chapter. Also, if something looks fishy, tell me (Note: I am Australian and we use weird grammar and spelling, I know).  
> (edited)

       Dean wakes up slowly. He only has a slight headache and it's enough to ignore it and snuggle closer to -  
His eyes fly open and son of a _bitch_! Cas is right there! He begins to panic when he can't recall what happened. He knows they didn't - god, he can't even think it - because they both still have all of their clothes on and the only thing aching even slightly is his head. Guilt spreads through Dean's veins when his eyes fall on the ugly bruise he left last night. It looks so out of place on Cas' sleeping face and as he continues his staring at Cas he realises that he didn't have any nightmares with the ex angel present. Somehow this makes Dean feel sad. He listens to Cas breathe for a few minutes and he tells himself it's because he doesn't want to wake Cas up if he's sleeping, not because he's enjoying the cuddling. Cas' breathing is deep and regular and before Dean can tell it to shut up, his mind starts racing a million miles an hour. He can't really be cuddling with Cas can he? What happened for him to get here in the first place? He knows he was drinking - the headache is enough to go by - did Cas have to drag him up?  
       Dean nearly jumps out of the bed when Cas murmurs a throaty "Good morning Dean." in his ear. "Sorry to startle you." He mumbles, burrowing in closer to Dean. Dean would find it cute if he wasn't on the edge of freaking out again. "What time is it?" He asks, breath ghosting across his neck. Dean flicks his eyes to the alarm clock.  
       "Half twelve. I'm gonna go..." Dean wriggles out of Cas' grasp, "I'm gonna go make some breakfast." Cas grunts an acknowledgement before stuffing his face into Dean's pillow with his arms wrapping around it. Dean high-tails it out of there as soon as he can, nearly running into a sleepy Kevin as he goes.  
       "Oh hey Dean." Dean grunts and privately thinks that the kid's adorable with his blanket still wrapped around his shoulders and hair sticking up on end... Kind of like how Cas' was all the time. Dean growls and shakes his head, marching to the kitchen. What was he  _doing_? He let himself be vulnerable and he never likes doing that, much less in front Cas. Would Cas think less of him now? Dean doesn't think Cas is that kind of person but he can't help worrying anyway. Is he not going to want to talk to Dean after he smacked him in the face?  
       "Guess it's not a good day then," Kevin mumbles as he shuffles off to his room, most likely having fallen asleep at the desk again last night. Sam is already up at the table with his laptop drinking his lunchtime protein-whatever when Dean stomps into the kitchen.

       "Hey, Dean." He greets Dean without even looking up and somehow that makes Dean shittier. He prowls around the kitchen, looking for what he needs for a hearty Winchester breakfast. He drops the pan, swearing under his breath as it lands on his toe. Sam raises an eyebrow at him, shake raised half-way to his lips. Dean ignores him, leaving him to his fru-fru protein healthy shit. It's taking Dean longer than it should to cook everything and he nearly burns the eggs, when he spaces out, trying to shove the guilt down along with everything else he doesn't want to deal with right now. he swears briefly and does his best not to mutilate them further.

       Sam raises his eyebrow again when Dean slams his food down and starts moodily chewing on it. "Something up?" He asks, casually.  
       "No." Dean grunts around bacon. Sam shrugs. "Alright, man. Just asking." Sammy's actually done pretty well, trails considered. He'd nearly died and six months down the track, he's almost back to normal. Dean doesn't glance up when Cas comes down the stairs for his morning coffee. Not even when Sam asks about his bruised face.  
       "Jesus, Cas, who hit you?"  
       "It was an accident... I fell." Dean's head is screaming with guilt and he finds he can't look at Cas at all. He doesn't look at Cas all day in fact. Every time he so much as closes his eyes, all he sees is sleepy blue eyes and a shock of dark hair. It's a change from monsters and people he couldn't save but he doesn't like or trust the feeling that comes along with it, not that he takes the time to identify what it might be. He's that good at denial. By the end of the day, the voices in Dean's head are shouting and he can't drown them out. _"Cas shouldn't have to do that, man. He Fell and he came to you for help. He doesn't need your baggage. He has enough of his own."_ It goes around and around Dean's head all day and he retreats into himself, unaware of everything around him.

  
-+-

  
       They're all watching a re-run on tv that Dean was barely paying attention to in the first place when he gruffly excuses himself for bed. Sammy only makes a small protest that it's not even nine yet before Dean slinks away. He face-plants his bed, half-heartedly punching the space next to him. He's mentally exhausted and all he wants to do is sleep and not fucking think for a change. He angrily sheds his clothes and throws them in the general direction of his growing laundry pile. Of course it never happens. Of course his head can't shut up for ten fucking minutes so he can try to go to sleep. He sits up and flicks his lamp on, holding his head in his hands. God dammit. Why is it so hard? He fishes around in his bedside table for a few minutes until he finds what he's looking for. He doesn't even think before he opens the bottle and tosses back a few mouthfuls of whiskey. He sighs as he feels it burn down his throat and settle in his stomach. He props himself up against his headboard and buckles himself in for a long night.

 _It's not Dean suffering this time. It's Cas. He's strapped to a chair, unable to move as his grace is being yanked out of him. Cas' screams fill Dean's ear and even though he's vaguely aware he's dreaming, it still hurts to hear Cas scream like that. It reverberates through Dean's entire core, pure_ anguish _filling Dean up until he can't breathe. He tries to get out, to yell or scream or_ something _but he's trapped and he can't do anything about it. Can't even see what's holding him. It's like he's just standing aside so Cas can be tortured like this.Then Cas' screams raise in pitch as his whole body ignites in flames, tattered shadows of what his wings once where, flared out behind him, flapping, desperately trying to pull away from the pain. Dean tries to scream again, knowing it's useless. Cas stops screaming and his body stops thrashing. He's only twitching now and Dean can't bear it. He can't lose Cas, he can't_ \- Dean starts awake, sitting up so fast his head spins. He's breathing rapidly, blinking tears away. Dean's not sure how long he's been screaming for. Only that his throat feels raw from it and he feels slightly ill. He turns around and Cas is kneeling on the floor, cradling his face.  
       "Shit, Cas, I'm sorry." He chokes out, scrambling out of bed. Cas doesn't look like he heard him. "I'm sorry." He says again, reaching out for Cas' hand. Cas flinches when Dean's fingers gently close around his wrist. "I'm so sorry." He sobs, unable to help himself as a tear slides past his defence. He takes Cas' hand in his and swears as he sees his eye already swollen and bruised. "Fuck, Cas, I'm so sorry, I'm - this is all my fault, I'm so sorry." Dean is struggling not to break down fully but one tear after the other slides down his face as he holds Cas' face, thumbing the swollen area.  
       Cas finally seems to come back to himself. "It's not your fault," He whispers softly, yet fiercely, blue eyes ablaze again. Dean is so relieved that Cas is alive that it's starting to hurt.  
       "Yes it is, you were burning, Cas and I couldn't do a fucking thing about it and - and you were dead and now you're human and I can't do anything about that -"  
       "That is not your fault either, Dean. And I don't recall burning or dying just recently." Cas pulls Dean close and wraps his arms around Dean's middle. Dean can't find it in him to care as he melts into Cas' embrace as the dam finally breaks and he heaves great, bone wracking sobs into Cas' shoulder.  
       "I just want them to stop!" he wails, feeling like his chest is caving in on itself, "I just want to be able to sleep without all this bullshit, Cas, it's not fucking fair!" Cas shushes him, crooning nonsense and sweeping his hand up and down his back until Dean calms down. It's minutes or hours later when Dean lets out one more shaky sob before he pulls back and checks Cas' face again. Dean's guilty to see Cas has been crying as well. "I'm so sorry, angel." he whispers again.  
       Something flashes across Cas' face but it's gone before Dean can work out what it is. "It's okay Dean," the corner of Cas' lips lift in an attempt at a smile but it's watery and tired.  
       "We should put some ice on that." He whispers, suddenly aware of how close their faces are. They're so close, Dean can feel Cas' human breath ghost against his face. Guilt clenches in his stomach again, making him feel ill and reminding him how much he drank earlier.  
       "I'm fine," Cas murmurs in true Winchester style. Dean manages a soft laugh. "We'll make a Winchester out of you yet." Cas squints at Dean, not understanding and for the umpteenth time that day, he ignores how his brain screams how cute it is. Dean stands, shoving his hand through his hair, now feeling awkward. Cas follows suit and stands, patiently waiting for whatever Dean has to say.  
       "do you mind - can you -"  
       "Yes."  
       "Oh, thank god."  
       Neither of them says anything as they both collapse into Dean's bed for the second night. Dean finally relaxes with his head under Cas' chin and relaxes further when he starts carding his fingers through his hair. It feels like his bones are melting through the bed and he thinks he manages to get out a "Thanks Cas." Before post-breakdown-exhaustion hits him and he zonks out.

  
       The next morning, Dean doesn't wake slowly. He wakes because Cas is whimpering softy and twitching in his sleep. "Cas?" He cracks open an eye and Christ almighty, give him a break, everything is way too bright and _ugh_. He lifts his hand and brushes back Cas' hair from his forehead, shoving down the guilt that comes with seeing Cas' face bruised up pretty decently. Cas cries out at the first contact, his body launching off the bed. Dean nearly topples to the floor but he holds on - which probably wasn't the best thing to do in the long run as Cas thrashes more. "Cas! Cas, _please_!" He yells, trying to grab an arm or get a good grip on his shoulders without actually sitting on him. Cas stops thrashing suddenly and starts shaking instead. It takes two second for Dean to know he's awake.  
       "Shh, it's okay. I'm here." He croons, moving along as Cas tries to yank him closer. He brings the covers with him as he goes and this time it's Dean who is wrapped around Castiel. Dean gingerly drags the covers around their shoulders as Cas hides his face in Dean's neck, sobbing almost silently but still shaking with the effort. The only sound is when he gasps for breath. That's how Dean knows Cas is truly hurting. It's only when a person can't make a sound when they cry that they are hurting so much and so deeply that they can barely breathe. Dean can only tell Cas that he's there and smooth his hands up and down Cas' back.  
        Dean doesn't know how long they've been there for but when Cas blinks up at Dean, eyes wide, red-rimmed, tears still running down his face and reminding Dean of a great big, sad kitten... Well. He can't be blamed for the tender way he brushes Cas' hair back from his forehead again.  
       "Wanna talk about it?" He whispers, unable to take his eyes off of Cas'. Cas just shakes his head and buries his face under Dean's chin once more. Dean returns the favour Cas had given two nights in a row and gently smooths his hair down while his thumb draws back and forth on Cas' back, trying to ignore the guilt raging in his chest.

  
-+-


End file.
